This is the second book I've read for the Maisie Peters Book Club (I couldn't afford books for the last two months), and I was super excited to read it because it's about a hot topic at the moment - race. My younger sister bought it for my birthday, and I was planning to go through it quite slowly but I literally couldn't put it down. Here's the journey of me reading it, and my thoughts!
DISCLAIMER: This post will contain spoilers for the book. Also, trigger warning for eating disorders (not because of anything that occurs in the novel, but because I go on a bit of a rant about how I was slightly triggered while reading it).
MY EXPECTATIONS:
From the summary, I was expecting something similar to The Hate U Give (which is one of my favourite books, by the way) - a Black woman being racially profiled, and then rising up to fight racism with the help of her strong feminist employer, a messy story of friendship and empowerment. If you read to the end of this review, you'll find out how surprised I was.
PART ONE:
So I started reading this while I was still in the shops because I was so excited, and I was immediately gripped. As a non-white girl, I had an immediate connection to the main character, Emira, a twenty-five year old Black woman who works as a babysitter. During the progression of the book, I stopped being able to identify with her as much because her character complexities came out further, but that was part of what made it so interesting.
The first section was pretty much what I expected. To outline, Emira is our protagonist, babysitting a toddler named Briar after a night out, because her mother called and asked Emira to take Briar to a grocery store due to an emergency at their house. While at the store, Emira is racially profiled and apprehended for 'kidnapping' the little white toddler. Fortunately, everyone is fine, but this is the event that sets off the rest of the plot. The whole thing is filmed by a man named Kelley, who will soon become Emira's boyfriend. Emira begs him not to post the video, but he emails it to her before deleting it in case she changes her mind.
The rest of this section is spent getting to know Emira better, as well as being introduced to the other main character - Briar's mother, Alix. She's a feminist famous for writing persuasive letters to get what she wants, and is currently living in Philadelphia because she has a book contract. She doesn't seem to feel fulfilled in this small town, and longs to return to the glamour of New York. We see a lot of her insecurity over how to deal with the racism issue, and she wishes she was closer to Emira, like her friends are with their babysitters.
I don't have a lot to say about the first section, because it's mainly just introducing and characterising the two main characters. During most of the early stages of the book, I can identify more with Alix - her tendency to overthink really shines through, as well as her passion for feminism and worries about the future. One thing I noticed instantly was how smoothly the writing style changes for the two characters' different perspectives - Alix's chapters have a nervous, quick-flowing tone, mainly focused on the people around her, while Emira seems to be very much in her own head, worrying about herself rather than others.
PART TWO:
I started this the next day, and finished the whole book all in one day. I'd actually gone to visit York to look around the University, then sleep on the sofa in my cousin's flat, so with all the hectic wandering around sightseeing, I'm surprised I had any time to read - I guess it's testament to how gripped I was by the book.
Part two is mainly character-driven, which is also something I really appreciate about the story, because I much prefer character-driven novels to plot-driven, and I know that's a relatively popular opinion. Something really interesting is how Emira doesn't really care about Alix at all, or devote any brain power to her, but Alix is so obsessed and insecure about Emira. There is something comical, but also hard-to-swallow realistic about how we see a chapter from Alix wondering anxiously what Emira thinks about her, only for a chapter from Emira to follow where she barely thinks about Alix at all - she doesn't even know how to pronounce her name.
The most important thing that we learn in this part is about Alix's past with Kelley, Emira's current boyfriend. They had dated in high school, and Alix used to write him letters. One was a plan of her mansion, with a detailed breakdown of where and when he would take her virginity (I got so much second-hand embarrassment for her). Long story short, a group of popular boys got hold of the letter, broke into the house using the map of it, and started having a party. In a panic, Alix called the cops, and the most popular boy got arrested. Kelley broke up with her pretty quickly after, and her reputation was destroyed so the rest of high school was basically hell for her.
I think you'd have to be a pretty gross person to read this description of events from her and not think she's in the right - while I was reading, my blood boiled on her behalf and I felt like she had every right to behave like that. The fishy thing was that no one at her school agreed with her, but I put that down to no one believing women about their struggles. This bit gets real messy later, and it's one of the most interesting discussions the book has to offer.
The part ends with Kelley and Alix about to meet at a Thanksgiving party for the first time in 10 (?) years, and I was absolutely on the edge of my seat.
The only complaint I have about the book so far is phrased in my notes as: 'Honestly I'm not loving all of Alix's insecurity about her weight because I'm still recovering from anorexia and if it develops into something more I might have to put the book down.' This was a whole emotional roller-coaster of its own that I went through while reading this. Alix mentions her weight a fair few times, and how she and her girlfriends are desperate for her to lose it. As someone recovering from an eating disorder, this wasn't particularly healthy for me to read, and I seriously didn't think I'd make it through the book at one point because in 2020 I'm normalising not putting myself through unnecessary mental illness, but don't worry, it was all fine. A week later I can see it through a more objective view, and it added some interesting commentary on how despite being such a feminist, Alix is still unhealthily obsessed with body image - it just wasn't great for my bad brain.
PART THREE:
To update on my crazy spiralling brain, I did have to put the book down. I got way too involved with Alix's weight and googled her BMI, and discovered she's on the skinnier side of a healthy weight, which only left me even more upset and insecure if that wasn't blatantly obvious from all the crazy behaviour.
Aside from all that, I loved the complexity of the discussion behind race and gender because of the contrasting, but equally disturbing, accounts that Alix and Kelley give of their teenage years. We've already heard Alix's side of the story, but Kelley's is very different. He points out that this isn't the first time Alix has hired a Black woman to work for her, because her housekeeper in high school was black. He says the group of boys just wanted a swim at her house, and Alix overreacted by calling the cops, particularly because they were Black. One Black boy, Robbie, was arrested and lost his scholarship - he blames Alix for ruining Robbie's life. He claims she 'completely gets off on either having black people work for her or calling the cops on them.'
Meanwhile, Alix is discovering that all of Kelley's ex-girlfriends have been Black, all of his friends are Black, and he seems to be trying to 'act Black'. She comes to the conclusion that he is fetishising Black people and culture, which is equally weird and predatory.
I love the depth of this argument, because it's so morally grey and I can really see both sides as a female and a POC.
Firstly, the reasons I agree with Alix come largely from my experiences as a girl, and what we're taught about men. If a group of teenage boys broke onto my property, wasted, blasting loud music, I'd fear for my own safety too. I'd probably call the police. Not only have we, as women, been taught to fear sexual assault from every possible source, but if my parents aren't home then I'm not having a bunch of random people from school trash my house. Drunk people are unpredictable and can be unsafe, and Alix had her younger sister to protect. I would've called the police too. I also hate the rhetoric that women ruin men's lives just because they have to face the consequences of their actions. Robbie ruined his own future when he broke in, not thinking what might happen.
However, I've had my fair share of run-ins with racist white girls, and I know how completely oblivious to their own prejudice they can be. Everyone knows how dangerous it is for Black people to be around cops. There was a chance that Robbie could've been killed, and Alix risked his life by calling the police. I think it's very important to consider how actions are perceived, rather than the intentions behind them, especially when dealing with racism. Alix may not have meant to seem racist, but with a Black woman working for her, and calling the police on Black kids, it's not a surprise that people reacted how they did. If I was at their school, I would've thought she was racist as well.
I'd love to know what you guys think about this dilemma, because I'm really stuck on the fence, so let me know in the comments! While I was reading this section, I was on Alix's side, but when she reveals more of her character later in the book I found I can no longer empathise with her as much.
The only other things I have to note about this section was the absolutely adorable relationship between Briar and Emira, and how I can relate to both of them here. The way Briar cries as the eldest daughter, knowing she isn't the favourite, is something I struggled with as a little kid when my sister was born. Now, I can relate to Emira's fear of the future and unemployment, as well as how she's going to pay her rent next year, since I've recently been worrying about student finance (just British A-Level student things) and the uncertainty of my own future.
I really feel like there's something for everyone when it comes to the characterisation in this book, because while I can't relate to any one character in particular, there are so many little things that just seem so human, and interesting, and it's this that makes me want to read whatever Kiley Reid brings out next.
PART FOUR:
This was the final part of the book, and it was such a roller-coaster of emotions. Let me lay out what happens.
Emira accidentally leaves her email open on Alix's computer. Alix finds the video of what went down in the grocery store, which Kelley had emailed to her, and leaks it. It quickly goes viral, but since Emira thinks Kelley was the only one who had the video, so he must have released it, she is furious and breaks up with him. Alix goes to visit Emira, pretending she had nothing to do with it, and tells her that she's proud to see someone stand up for her child like that, and offers her a full nanny job with better pay and benefits. Emira, who had been looking for a new job for a while, is over the moon and accepts.
Alix also offers to help her clear up the mess with the video. Since her husband works as a news anchor, it isn't difficult to get Emira a spot on the news where she can talk about the lead-up and what really happened. However, right before Emira is about to go on the news, her friend overhears Alix asking whether she 'did the right thing', to which one of her feminist friends replies that this video is the best thing to ever happen to Emira. They quickly put two and two together, and conclude that Emira cannot work at this house anymore. Thanks to the video, Emira has been offered jobs left, right and centre, so she quickly accepts one of them before doing the interview. On live news, she declares that she won't be taking the nanny position, and walks out.
The final revelation of the novel cements Alix as the villain. She had always thought Kelley had given the boys her address, and the letter with the plan of her house, so it was easy to think of him as the person who ruined her senior year. However, she thinks back to a memory of her cleaning out the school lockers at the end of the year, and finding out that several of her letters had slipped into the locker underneath Kelley's, which was Robbie's. This reveals that it was her own choice to view Kelley as the perpetrator, rather than accepting that it was all a misunderstanding, which adds to the idea that she has offset all blame from herself, and will never be able to hold herself accountable. By making herself the damsel in distress of the story, it makes it more difficult for me to be able to empathise with her.
The book ends with a brief summary of the next couple of years for Emira. She gets a job as an assistant to someone else, with better pay. She never talks to Kelley again, acknowledging that they could never work out after everything that happened. She sees Briar once again three years later, but doesn't speak to her.
Emira concludes that 'even though Kelley had been right about her, Alix had been right about him too', which essentially sums up how I feel about this book. There's no easy answer to the dilemma; that's what's so messy about social issues. At the end of the day, Alix may have abused her white privilege, but that's forgetting that the boys who broke into her house also abused their male privilege.
By the end, it's pretty clear that the main conflict was between Kelley and Alix, and Emira was just unlucky to be caught in the middle of it, but this also highlights how Black women are never free from political struggles, because it all affects their daily lives. They always have to worry about whether they're being fetishised, abused, or racially profiled, and sometimes the answer isn't easy.
What I loved about the ending was how human it was. Things don't work out sometimes, and we end up going in a different direction to what we may have thought. Some things can't be forgiven. We can't control people, and we can't see inside each other's heads - if Emira had been able to read all of Alix's thoughts in the way we could, she probably would've forgiven her. We could empathise with her panicked overthinking and obsession over what Emira thought of her, which explained some of her actions. On Emira's side, she could only judge Alix based on her actions. The fairy-tale ending Emira dreamed of with Briar was never going to be possible with Alix's behaviour.
I think the last part was definitely my favourite, because we finally see the consequences of all the build-up of tension and lies throughout the book. The ending seemed very consistent to the characters as well, which is another indicator of good writing, because we saw the explosion of Alix becoming less and less emotionally stable, as well as Emira coming into herself and realising how she can become satisfied with life.
THEME: RACE DYNAMICS AND EMOTIONAL LABOUR
This is the theme for book club so I thought I should comment on it. Even seeing those five words typed out makes me exhausted because I've spent so much of the last few months trying to speak out against and educate people about racism. That really just goes to show what perfect timing this discussion is coming at.
I've lost a lot of friends by speaking about BLM. By supporting Palestine and the Middle East. By suggesting that I didn't want to surround myself with people who support Boris Johnson and the Tories, a party that has been openly racist towards my South Asian Muslim community. It takes a toll, and though I'm always determined to keep fighting, I felt so strongly for Emira wanting to keep the video private.
What some people don't realise is that it's dangerous to fight racism. Every time I've spoken out against racism at my school or college, I've been punished, or told I'm too 'intimidating' and 'aggressive', or 'making people uncomfortable', as if it isn't fucking uncomfortable to live my life experiencing racism on the daily. I have a white friend who's brilliant, and I love her a lot - she argues with people about racism so that me and other POC don't have to. My college threatened to call the police on her because apparently 'it's a serious allegation to call someone a racist' (I could not make this shit up).
So, yeah, I've done my fair share of emotional labour in the past few months. Thinking about it now makes me want to punch Alix for trying to put Emira through all of that. Even though it helped her get a job, it's a complete disregard of consent, and of course opens her up to trolling. She didn't even think about how dangerous it might be for Emira - I'm constantly seeing people being doxxed for this sort of thing.
Something else interesting that I've never really thought about is the fact that Alix, like Kelley said, always had black people in her employment. I don't think the housekeeper was her personal choice, but she still saw fit to mention it. Emira says Alix seemed surprised that she was Black when they first met, as though there was some internalised distrust of Black women, alongside the idea that they don't take care of children well. She seems to subconsciously show that she feels superior to Black people, or maybe that she should pity them.
Needless to say, I'm really excited to see some more discussion of this theme for book club, because it's such an important topic that I feel so strongly about that I can't really form a coherent argument.
OVERALL RATING:
I debated over this for a long time. As you've already seen, I didn't omit all the 'crazy' rambling about eating disorder recovery, even though I was originally going to, because I'm human and I realised that it's only fair to show my human reaction to the book. You came to see my personal experience reading this, not some robotic analysis.
At the end of the day, rating is entirely subjective. I originally gave this book 5 stars, because honestly, I think it deserves it, but that's inconsistent with my reading experience. I mean, I started crying on my cousin's couch because of my crippling fear of a relapse, and I didn't feel comfortable rating this book as perfect when that was my emotional reaction.
I know it's wrong to project my mental illness onto a book, but I'm giving it 4.5 stars, because as a reader I should be giving my impartial and human reaction. It's also to raise awareness a little bit of how my eating disorder impacts literally everything I do.
Anyway, with that little rant out of the way, I have to say I would recommend this book to literally everyone. It gave a nuanced, complex discussion of race, sex, and privilege from a point of view I've never really seen before. Instead of coming out of it feeling empowered to fight for change, I became more accepting of human life and how messy and difficult it could be. More comfortable in myself. This is a really important commentary on privilege that I think needs to be added to the discussion, and I'm so glad it was chosen for book club this month.
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